Earlier today, my mom and I set out to Casa Ruvi, a seamstress’s shop, to search for my daughter’s flower girl dress. My cousin’s marrying the love of his life on Saturday, and, like always, I procrastinated until the date on the calendar sent me into a fit of anxiety. In the car, I explained to my mom that I couldn’t attend the wedding because I might have to work. She told me to get the day off. I then said I’d never been away from my husband for more than one night, and she shot me a look that said, “Please.” I finally admitted that I didn’t want to go, and Mom threw up her hands and said, “Leda doesn’t get to be a flower girl everyday.” My eyes widened, and my head tipped back ever so slightly: I was willing to miss a milestone in my daughter’s life because I felt I was too fat to leave the house.
For so long, I let my weight determine what I did. Clubbing? Not for me. I didn’t know if a fat girl could get past the velvet rope, and I didn’t want to find out. I hardly accepted invitations to friends’ parties. What if they snapped pics of me and those pics ended up on Facebook? No, thank you. I’d rather pop in another House DVD and park myself on the sofa. I loved belly dancing, and I participated in a recital in 2007. However, since the weight gain, I’ve yet to return to the studio because I found it embarrassing to show the other girls just how much I’ve let myself go.
But today, thanks to Mom’s wisdom (does she ever stop being right?), I realized that keeping myself at home because of my weight was just as unhealthy as eating chocolate for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Putting myself on voluntary house arrest proved that I don’t love myself, and loving yourself should be the first step to overcoming the weight monster.
So, I’m going to the wedding on Saturday, and I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t nervous. That I wasn’t anxious. Anytime one steps out of his/her comfort zone, there is going to be anxiety. But my mom will be with me, as will my daughter. I want Leda to grow up confident, and what better way to instill confidence in her than by being an example?