After writing a post about not looking back, about having the confidence to move forward, I found myself tested on those beliefs today.
While I study for an MFA in creative writing, I work at a bike shop part-time. I’ve not worked in the past week, though, so I stopped by to visit the store’s owner and see if there was any work in the near future. I lowered myself onto the store sofa and picked up a magazine. Another magazine, smaller and thinner, fell into my lap. My interest was piqued, as the magazine apparently focused on my former belly dance instructor and her studio. I picked it up, began turning the pages. I came across a familiar group picture. Sure enough, there I knelt towards the left of the center row, three years younger and 81 pounds lighter.
Looking at pictures of a thinner self might be motivating, but today was not that day. I felt, quite honestly, like a loser. I remembered everything. The evenings spent running when all I wanted to do was rest. The fries exchanged for salads with no dressing. The tears I’d cried because I didn’t have any Points left at the end of the day and I was still hungry. So much work, and for what? To gain most of it back a short time later. If there was time travel, I’d whisk back and show the girl in the picture what would happen if she stopped writing down every bite she took and exercising.
Maybe it’s the rare Arctic front that’s made its way this far south. Maybe it’s the feeling of not being in control at a point in my life that’s a bit turbulent. But I won’t let this self-pity throw off my plans for eating right. I won’t delve into the chips. I won’t bury myself in caramel popcorn. That was the old me. Kind of ironic–in order to get back to the late 2007 me, I need to become a new me.
I know there will be times when I’m going to feel low. As I’ve been diagnosed with clinical depression, there’s no way around it. But I’m learning that, instead of using food to deal with the pain, I can blog about my feelings. I can hop on my elliptical or Spinning bike and ride it out. I can soak in a bubble bath. I can do this.